FUNNY BUSINESS

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, the mother sent a letter to each son.
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
 

 
A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native that would take him upstream to a tribe of head hunters cut off from civilization. In the distance they could hear drums. "What is that drumming?" he asked nervously. The native replied, "Drums okay, but if they stop it would be very bad".
The drums continued for three days as they got closer to the head hunters’ village. Then without warning the drums suddenly stopped. The forest fell eerily silent. With panic in his voice, the missionary calls out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and with despair in his voice, answered, "Tuba solo."
 

 
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat."
The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the police."
The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and a policeman soon arrived, looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"
 

 
A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."
"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
 

 
A class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
She posed this question to her students: "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A football coach?"